


If all my defenses come down, say it first

by iamamiwhoami



Series: Where Are We Now? [2]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alex is a child, Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Girlfriends - Freeform, I Love You, Idiots in Love, Lena is a child, Light Smut, Science Girlfriends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-19 11:30:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20656517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamamiwhoami/pseuds/iamamiwhoami
Summary: Alexandra Danvers and Lena Luthor are dating and those three words are constantly trying to escape.But they are willing to stop themselves at any cost.Or: 5 times Lena and Alex almost say 'I love you' and 1 time they finally do it.





	If all my defenses come down, say it first

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I love fluff and I love them. :) 
> 
> The title was inspired by "Lay it on me", by Vance Joy, and "Say it First", by Sam Smith.
> 
> Wish you a good read. :)

Alexandra Danvers and Lena Luthor are dating.

You see, this is not just a common event, a product of causality, a small possibility among the millions of possibilities throughout the universe. For them this is huge and conflicting. Because they occupy important positions at work and share many mutual friends and if they can be honest, a certain fear when it comes to relationships. And though they experience a new kind of everyday life with each other, between nights of scientific research and fancy dinners, between Alex's apartment filled with books on the shelves and high heels in the corners and Lena's penthouse is full of sweaters on hangers and beer in the fridge, it's all new and they want to make it right because there's so much at stake.

They are divergent creatures. They share the fondness for scotch, science and silence, they are protective and they keep a lot of trauma to themselves, but they are different people. Therefore, individually, in the solitude of those who think too much, they decide secretly, that is, not telling each other, that they can't give in to any verbal impulse. Those three words pulsing metaphorically from the heart to their throat need to be contained, for they can't ruin it before it even begins.

It's easier said than done.

When Lena makes room on her thighs for the laptop full of accumulated work and to caress the agent's hair, Alex wants to say it.

When Alex kisses her senseless, tasting fire and coffee, Lena wants to say it in the least amount of time the redhead pulls away to smile softly with her eyes closed before kissing her again.

The first time it happens, they're on a game night and they're a good guessing pair, although Kara is the star of the night with Nia, and Dox is the main comedian with far too extravagant performances that J'onn can't understand perfectly, promising not to read his mind to extract the answer. They're all slightly drunk and the laughter echoes freely in the corridors of Kara's building, but they don't seem to care.

Alex reads the word on the card and prepares, waving for Nia to turn the tiny hourglass, Lena's trained eyes fixed on her. The redhead picks up Kara's glasses from the bookshelf, now that she has revealed her identity to her best friend and they have no secrets anymore, so she no longer needs disguises, and walks slowly, bent over, hands on her back, squinting in a funny way.

"Uh..." Lena frowns. "Ancient... Old..?"

Alex beckons her to wait and begins another act. She kneels and puts her hands on the floor, starting to crawl and open her mouth exaggeratedly, showing her teeth, wrinkling her nose, making everyone in the living room laugh outrageously, except for Lena, who continues to watch intrigued. Alex arches and pretends to leap toward her, and Lena widens her eyes.

"It's a feline!" Lena exclaims and Alex waves frantically. "Lion?" She tries and the redhead denies, turning her index finger. "Tiger?" Alex nods, quickly moving her hands. "Old tiger?" She looks distressed at the hourglass, the deadline running out. Alex crawls up to her expectantly, snapping his fingers, and Lena sighs with her mouth open. "Old... Bengal Tiger!"

"Yes!" Alex laughs like an excited child, while everyone complains theatrically and J'onn writes down the score. "We won!" She kneels on the rug and gently holds the CEO's face in her hands, caressing her jaw.

"We did!" Lena smiles flushed and covers the back of the redhead's hands with her own, sliding from fingers to wrist, pulling it to kiss her skin.

Alex shakes her head as if she's trapped in a trance. "Damn, Miss Luthor, I lo..." The words get stuck in her throat and they both widen their eyes, the living room suddenly silencing completely. "I..." She tries to fix it, but Lena's frightened expression embarrasses her even more. "I... I like this game, Kara!" She turns to look at her sister, not intending to face Lena anytime soon.

"Yeah!" Kara nods with an exaggerated smile, saving her. "I _love_ this game!" The blonde laughs ironically. "Come on, I want revenge!"

Alex breathes a sigh of relief and Lena pulls her by the neck for a chaste kiss.

Everything is technically fine.

Strike one.

The second time is a little more complicated.

Alex is about to fulfill a high risk mission. Some crazy alien criminal genius and his gang are terrorizing people downtown and even Supergirl, J'onn, Brainy and Dreamer are not making it alone. Fortunately the DEO has a single neutralizer for that species that had been built in battle with a former Fort Rozz prisoner, but she will have to get too close to hit him. She's not worried, she has been in worse situations.

But Lena is. She is always worried about the redhead.

"I'm on my way." She mutters to Lena through the ear communicator as the van moves quickly through the rubble toward downtown.

"Alex..." Lena is watching the news, her heart tight with fear.

"Come on, baby." She laughs, trying to reassure her. "You know I can do this with my eyes closed."

"Please do it with your eyes open." She scoffs, unable to get in the mood with her.

"It's going to be alright." Alex softens. "I'll take care of this and then I'll get your favorite ice cream and run to L-Corp. Okay?"

"You can come on your motorcycle or in the DEO van." Lena laughs affectionately. "Just... Come."

"Hey... Baby, what is it?" She can hear the anguish in her voice, even in laughter, Lena can't fool her.

"It's... It's nothing, I don't want to keep you before a dangerous mission, I just lo..." Suddenly she stops and hears the surprised sigh of the redhead on the other side. "I..."

"I have to go, baby." Alex accepts and goes on. "See you later."

Everything goes almost well.

They were many, Dreamer was injured and the damage to the center was considerable, but they all survived and the villains were contained and imprisoned. Not bad for a day's work. After checking the civilians, Kara stays with her in the back of the ambulance while she holds the ice pack on her nose. It was hard to counteract the big boss and he managed to punch her in the face, her uniform now stained with blood and her head dizzy with pain.

When Lena emerges among the people, vehicles, and paramedics, Alex immediately widens her eyes at the Kryptonian who jumped out of the ambulance beside her.

"I need to check on the transfer of these guys to jail and I couldn't leave you alone so I called her." Kara sighs, avoiding a scolding. "You're welcome."

Lena walks quickly to her, fear and relief shining in those beautiful green eyes of hers. Alex spreads her legs in the ambulance and the CEO immediately settles between them, her body standing over the redhead, her hands cupping her face, analyzing the wound as Alex releases the ice pack. It's swollen and purple and Lena reaches out to touch, recoiling at the last second as Alex fixes her eyes on her trembling fingers.

Lena swallows hard. "I'll have a doctor check on you."

Alex instinctively holds her, her arms tight around her waist, tilting her head to look at her and whisper. "No, just... Stay?"

It hurts like hell when their faces collide, but Lena's lips numb her entire body in the blink of an eye and the pain goes away.

Strike two.

The third time is like an explosion prevented at the last moment.

It's thanksgiving dinner night, and Kara's apartment feels warmer than ever. Lucy came and James finally brought his sister Kelly to be part of the celebration. J'onn is wearing a lovely yellow polo shirt with small patterned pineapples. Eliza got a new haircut and she is glowing. Dox managed to hit his own forehead with the champagne cork, but Nia kissed the red circular mark and his smile was a promise that everything was fine.

With the table set and the goodies waiting for them, Kara puts her arm around Lucy's shoulder, missing her presence, and smiles with her glass raised. "Thank you for being here again. You know, there are always new faces coming in and old faces missing around this table, but if there's one thing I know, it's that we're always together, fighting for a better world..."

Alex is caressing the base of Lena's spine over the blue dress, the brunette leaning against her shoulder, breathing softly into her neck, and Kara's words begin to invade her.

Lucy kiss the blonde on the cheek and smiles at her to continue the speech, making her blush and smile back. "Sometimes it's easy to forget how lucky I am. I've seen different worlds, different ways of life and joy and devastation. I miss those I've lost, my world, my culture, my origins. But if I had to choose, I'd would always choose to come back to this place... "

Alex looks down to find Lena's eyes on her, kind and sparkling. She presses her fingers around her waist and kisses her fragrant hair, closing her eyes to enjoy the feeling, Lena's hand rising to trace her jaw.

"I'd always choose to go back to you guys." Kara's eyes sparkle with tears. "To Eliza, who accepted me in the first second, which changed the whole life she knew for me. To J'onn, who cares for us as if we were all his children, who helped me be the hero I am today. To Lucy, who though she disappears and worries us, always comes back to fight by our side. To Jimmy, who has been with me from the beginning and helped me see that heroes don't always wear cloaks. To Brainy, who had to adjust to this time, who saved me from my own unconscious mind and reminded me that I am a citizen of this planet before anything else. To Kelly, who I hope will come much more often to celebrate with us. To Nia, who trusted me with her biggest secrets and always reminds me how our identity is the part that should be most honest about ourselves."

Crying with a wide grin, Kara looks at Alex and Lena and raises her glass toward them, both straightening up to hear her.

"To Lena, my best friend, my grandest proof that nothing defines us but our own choices. We have come a long way here and I would do everything again to have your friendship and trust. Because you have mine. I trust in you with all my heart. "

Lena shivers in Alex's arms and the redhead knows how meaningful those words are to her.

"And finally..." Kara laughs, tears still shining on her face. "Alex. I feel like I have an infinity of words to say to you and yet, I have nothing to say. Because you know everything. You have all of me. You are my sister, my soulmate, the first person who made me feel as if this planet could be my home. And every day, in every battle and challenge, I know we can get over everything together. You are the reason why I became Supergirl. And for that I will always be grateful."

There are tears around the table on every face and Alex nods, trying to hold back her own tears. Lena slides her thumb on the last drop that runs down her chin, keeping a hand on her cheek in a tender caress.

"A toast!" Eliza exclaims, hugging the free side of the Kryptonian. "To the family!"

"To the family!" Everyone sings together in response, their glasses clinking.

Dox is invited to chop the turkey and James goes into the living room to put on some happy, dancing music. Lena turns in Alex's arms to run her fingers through the short hair at the nape of the redhead's neck and they stand there, smiling, standing as plates and cutlery move around the table below.

"What a thanksgiving." Lena laughs at her. "Do you know what I'm grateful for?"

"I may have a guess, but I'd like to hear from you." Alex teases, bending her head to contemplate her.

But Lena doesn't follow the mischievous smile, her eyes roam the redhead's amused face, her hands remain caressing her with devotion.

"You." Her voice is almost an inaudible whisper.

"Lena..." Alex exhales. "Lena I lo..." She stops, clenching her fingers around the CEO's waist.

"What is it, darling?" Lena tries to bring her to the truth.

"I love this song!" Alex laughs nervously, abruptly pulling her into the middle of the kitchen, pushing them away from the table. "Dance with me!"

"What about dinner?" Lena couldn't help but laugh too, following the twirls inside the redhead's hug.

"What's a dinner without dance?" Alex shrugs, now relaxed from past tension.

Lena laughs again and stands on tiptoe to kiss her jaw, both dancing across the space, not even noticing the affectionate smile of the others and a moving Eliza photographing them repeatedly.

Strike three.

The fourth time the circumstances are... Peculiar.

They had a stupid fight over an experiment Lena was working on at L-Corp. It wasn't necessarily dangerous, but Alex was stressed after J'onn was injured in a fight and stayed in the medical wing for a whole day. It's true that she and Haley are getting along, but the colonel still doesn't fully trust aliens in DEO, which made Alex even more dismayed. She raised her voice to Lena and left without saying goodbye when the CEO stubbornly crossed her arms with threatening eyebrows. It was their first fight and it's weighing on Alex's head like a lead anvil, but she doesn't think about giving in and calling her until the end of the day. But when Supergirl returns to DEO to warn her that there was a minor accident at L-Corp's lab, Alex picks up the motorcycle and crosses town without waiting for a formal report from the kryptonian.

With the elevator away, she runs up the stairs, losing her breath, fearing that something had happened to her girlfriend and she wasn't around to protect her. There is no movement in the building, no cops or rescue team, not even photographers and reporters, but that doesn't stop her from freaking out and tripping in the hallway, passing right through the confused secretary and breaking into Lena's office like a hurricane, panting wildly.

"Alex?" Lena widens her eyes, sitting on the couch next to Dox. They both look confused at the state of the agent.

"You're okay..." She speaks huskily, breathing relieved. "Kara said there was an accident..."

"I'm afraid it's my fault, Alexandra." Dox smiles guiltily, extending his left hand, his skin curiously orange. "I was thinking about my Nia Nal and I lost my focus in the lab, causing this. But Lena provided an efficient fix."

Lena is frowning, staring at Alex. "In a few hours you'll be brand new." She smiles at him. "There's nothing to worry about. Call me if there are any unexpected mutations."

"I will." He jumps, being careful not to abruptly move the orange hand. "Ladies, if you'll excuse me..."

The office door closes and silence engulfs them with inexplicable tension in the air, as if Alex needs more time to assimilate the fact that it wasn't a serious accident and didn't even involve Lena. She's fine, Alex tells herself, dazzling and soft in the tight white shirt, sleeves folded, slowly rising from the couch with her hands in the pockets of her black pleated pants.

"Did you come running to rescue me or say you warned me?" Lena asks pretending innocence.

"What do you think?" Alex is not having fun, offended.

"I think you're hellishly attractive when you're angry." Her voice sounds so natural it makes the redhead blush. "I don't need to be saved today, but I didn't like how things got between us when you left and I want to make it up to you." She walks elegant and slow toward the agent, her innocent gaze beating the shit out of Alex.

"Is that so?" Still recovering, she swallows hard as Lena tilts her head gently, blinking her long eyelashes shyly.

Lena nods guiltily, lifting her chin and making their lips too close, her eyes searching the sweat of the run on the redhead's forehead. "You were just worried about me." She leans into her ear, whispering. "How can I pay for my lack of sensibility?"

Alex exhales a ragged sigh and doesn't mind answering. She grabs her lover by the waist, her nimble fingers tugging at her belt and the hem of her shirt, her mouth sliding on the exposed skin from neck to shoulder, Lena's hands caressing her wet hair. Without warning she pushes her to take Lena by her thighs, entwining her legs on her back, carrying her to the desk, lowering her on the hard surface almost unkindly. There're no words to express any feeling, just sigh and growl and the agent's lips sliding on the pale skin that shivers with each touch.

She torturously opens each button on her shirt and Lena's nails scrape across the desk top as if she can hold on to something. Alex was furious with her and then worried about her and now she just wants to give this woman everything she wants and to give herself full proof that Lena is perfectly safe. She falls to her knees on the floor and sinks into the vibrant heat of her thighs, unable to get lost in teasing, making it impossible for Lena to contain the ecstatic scream at her tongue's first contact with the soft folds. She keeps going as deep as she can until she feels Lena's legs spasm into her shoulders and she drips down her chin. Lena stands abruptly sitting and undone on the desk and pulls her into a fierce kiss, slowly licking her lips and chin, her trembling, furious hands clasping the lapel of her leather jacket, lipstick marks on her neck and chest.

Still needing her more than anything in the world, Alex can't wait to spread her legs again and touch her with her fingers, sliding inside gently and firmly, enjoying with adoration as Lena's eyes narrow and her mouth opens. without making a sound, just drowned and fast breathing, holding on to the agent's shoulders as if she's about to crumble. Alex works her fingers on her and her other hand keeps her steady at the base of her spine, wanting her as close as possible. When Lena comes again, it's as if she finally convinces herself that everything is fine, relaxing and kissing her face reverently.

Allowing herself to calm down from the orgasms, Lena brushes her nose into hers and sighs softly, her foreheads leaning back against each other, her heartbeat racing wildly. Alex couldn't help but squeeze her in her arms, breathing into her shoulder, absorbing her expensive perfume.

"Sorry I was mad." Alex whispers suddenly, enjoying Lena's caress in her hair. "Being worried doesn't justify fighting with you."

"I wasn't being reasonable to you either." Lena pulls back to look at her and smiles. "I know how protective you are of me, Alex..." She holds the redhead's face in her hands. "This is just one of the reasons why I lo..." Their eyes widen at the same time, dread on Lena's and expectation on Alex's, her hands shaking on her cheeks and jaw. "I..." she stutters, looking away from these bright eyes, searching the surrounding office. Suddenly she stares at the clock on the wall and exudes surprise. "I'm late! The japanese investors!" Alex inevitably rolls her eyes and laughs. "Darling, I'm so sorry!" Lena kisses her repeatedly, feeling genuinely guilty, bouncing off the desk and running to the bathroom, not before kissing her a little more. "I promise I'll make it up to you tonight!"

Alex collapses into a chair, lethargic snorting and staring at the white ceiling and then checking herself, the red lipstick marks, the overcrowded jacket, her messy scarecrow hair, and her heart still racing.

Strike four.

The fifth time things get really weird.

Fortunately the meeting with the investors was a success and the next day Lena was on a plane to close the contract in Tokyo. It's been a crawling four days without her and although they have talked in the middle of every day, Alex is looking forward to her being back tonight. Lena is at the airport, telling her on the phone about all the gifts she bought for their friends – which were probably overly expensive, Alex fears – and the redhead feels trapped in a hypnotic state that only her girlfriend's grave solemn voice it can cause. She travels and relaxes in the soft sound, closing her eyes, ignoring the prying looks of the agents passing her in the DEO refectory.

"Come live with me." She says in one breath and regrets it immediately.

Lena's voice mutes on the other side and Alex can feel her heart beating fiercely in her throat, the phone almost slipping from her hand. Panic grows inside her and when she realizes she has already hung up the phone and tossed it on the table, drawing all eyes from the refectory to her.

She sinks her face into her hands, muttering in denial the mistake she has made, wondering if she has just ruined everything they have. She doesn't even notice when Kara approaches, throwing herself into the front seat with a bag of potstickers, her full mouth chewing and her blue eyes looking at her curiously.

"Hey! Are you okay?" Kara frowns, wiping the crumbs off the symbol on her chest.

"I told Lena to come live with me." Alex still whispered, her hands covering her reddened face in dismay.

"So...?" Kara shrugs. "She's your girlfriend. It would be nice to have someone around to remind you to water the plants."

"Are you listening to me?" She claps her hands on the table, attracting more glances. "I called Lena Luthor to live with me. In my apartment. To share a bed. And a closet. And a bathroom. And everything."

"So what?" She laughs, confused. "You don't have to freak out about that." Suddenly she widens her eyes, leaning toward the agent. "Oh, Rao, are you freaking out?"

"Of course I'm freaking out!" She exclaims, raising her arms.

"Hey, hey, it's okay." Kara holds one of her hands. "Be honest with me. Do you want her to move in?"

"I do." She confesses with her head down.

"So what's the matter, really?"

"What if it's too early? What if she doesn't want to? What if I scare her? That's why I can't even tell her that I love her!"

"Haven't you said you love her yet?" The Kryptonian gaped, finally dropping the bag of potstickers.

"...No?" Alex shrugs. "To be fair, she hasn't told me yet either. Which may mean she doesn't..."

"Lena loves you." Kara caresses her hand and there's no room for discussion. "I understand you two might be scared, but she loves you, Alex, like, really loves you."

"What do I do now?"

"You wait for her to come back and you two talk." Her sunny smile is comforting. "And you remember this is Lena."

She swallows and settles in defeat. "Right."

"Now let's eat. I'm starving."

"You just had a bag of potstickers."

"Yeah, now I need another one. I gave you a nice advice, so you're buying. Let's go."

When night falls, the apartment is quiet and the italian food scent is a reminder to Alex that Lena will be here any minute. She sits huddled on the bed, nervously rummaging through the sleeves of her sweater, her hair still wet from the bath that lasted too long in an attempt to calm herself down. She can't take back her words, not when she truly wants to wake up and sleep next to Lena, to see the apartment filled with her books and notes and clothes, her perfume, her laugh. She just needs to take a deep breath and talk to her.

But when Lena enters the apartment with the spare key, surrounded by packages and the suitcase on her shoulder, Alex can feel slipping to freak out again. The CEO puts everything in the corner near the door, sighing happily tired. Alex doesn't dare move from her seat, watching her movements with longing and distress.

Lena seems perfectly unconcerned. She marches through the apartment, smiles at the italian food on the counter, hangs her overcoat on the clothes rack, takes off her high heels and checks her phone, only then laying her eyes on the adorable creature that looks so small sitting on the bed.

"Welcome back." Alex's voice is a whisper and the smile she offers is shaky and frightened.

Lena's steps are slow and calculated to her. She thinks of babbling something to break the silence, but Lena continues to approach with the most tender smile she has ever seen, gently climbing the three steps to the bed, the mesmerizing sight almost making Alex reach out her hands and keep her once and for all. It's so natural to hold her, so right and necessary, that when she realizes, Lena is already climbing on her, her thighs spread on her lap, her hands caressing both the back of her neck and her face still slightly flushed, her eyes closing instinctively. Lena bends to kiss her forehead, tracing a trail with warm red lips.

"Alex..." She whispers. "Look at me, darling."

The redhead obeys, her arms around Lena's waist, her eyes filled with doubt and fear of reprisal or refusal.

"Hi." Lena smiles affectionately.

"Hi." She wrinkles her nose, unable to avoid laughing with her. "How was there in Tokyo?"

"Great." She continues to gently caress the back of her neck. "The company is amazing, Alex. The lab is like nothing I've ever seen in all these years as a scientist."

"Better than yours? Than DEO's?"

"I'm afraid so, darling."

"Then I will have to be very cautious and find unscientific reasons for you not to leave me and go to Japan." Alex frowns, pretending to be worried, pouting.

Lena's laugh echoes in the apartment and is the most beautiful sound she has ever heard.

"I..." She sighs with devotion. "I really love you, Alexandra Danvers."

Feeling as if every muscle in her was receiving a dose of adrenaline and soothing at the same time, Alex releases the tension in her shoulders and sighs deeply, searching for the truth revealed in the beautiful green eyes sparkling at her. "I love you too. I really do, Lena."

"I know." Lena rests their foreheads together.

"Will you move in with me?"

"Yes, darling." She gently pecks the tip of her nose. "I will."

Strike five.

_Breakpoint._

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it! See you guys soon. :) 
> 
> Find me on twitter: @dokkstormur.


End file.
